Dear Biological Mama,
You had to do something super hard this week and I wasn’t there. I followed along via email. Praying and thinking and wandering around my house like a crazy lady drinking way too much coffee.
I wanted to give you a hug. I wanted to tell you that your little one is loved so deeply and desperately. I wanted to reassure you that it was, in fact, going to be ok.
You didn’t have a choice in the matter. You didn’t get to pick our family out of a book. We were simply assigned to watch over your little one by some abstract government agency. You only had the chance to meet us once. It was in a room way too small and hot. The hour went by in what felt like a fleeting moment. We didn’t get to give you any family pictures or any contact information. You didn’t even get to know the names of the children living with your baby.
We told you that we homeschooled and the kids played instruments. We told you that we listened to all kinds of music and had dance parties and went on tons of hikes. We told you that we read books upon books upon books.
I was asked to help you figure out how to wear the moby wrap. I helped you put your little baby in and try to comfort him. I’m sorry if it felt like I was mothering you too. I wish it could’ve gone differently. I wish we could’ve gone for a walk or had a cup of coffee and a scone instead. Talking about how beautiful your little one is.
I want you to know that your little one is amazingly tough. He can’t stand to be alone and has a knack for making everyone laugh uncontrollably. He is meeting all of his milestones right on time. I so desperately wish I could just send you a text with a picture of him standing or sitting with his tongue sticking out or trying a new food. He is the only one that likes drinking my hippy green smoothies so right now he’s kinda sorta my favorite.
I’m sorry my emails have to go through like four different people before ever reaching you. I want you to know that we have your picture in his room. That he still loves that giant blue blanket. I have to wash it as quick as I can while he’s awake so it’s ready before bed.
We look for you every time we go into town. I know we aren’t supposed to but I don’t really care. I secretly hope we’ll run into you and I can just give you a hug and show you how big he actually is. You wouldn’t believe it.
Thank you for trusting us with your little one. One day all these extra people will be gone. The lawyers and the caseworkers and the resource people. One day your little one will be not so little. He’ll look through his file and see just how much you loved him.
In the meantime, he’ll hear the stories every day. Stories about his Mom and Dad. What little we do know. Please know that your pictures will always stay up. Your names will not be forgotten.
His future has yet to be written and for that I am grateful. There are many things I wish I could change but know that I am honored to have a chance to love your little one. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. He may not share our specific strands of DNA but he is just as much a part of our family as the ones who do.
I want you to know that he is safe. That he is loved. That he always has a place in our home, sharing my green smoothies and dancing along to all the pandora stations.
You had to do something really hard this week and for that I am so very sorry. Your little one is being loved without abandon. With a fierce and reckless grace filled love.
Please know that we also feel the same way about you.
-A Foster Mama